His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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