I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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