My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
