after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
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