When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
