Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
