2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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