The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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