no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
