My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
