A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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