I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
