You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
