Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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