I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
