Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
