I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
