So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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