I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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