Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
