What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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