someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
