How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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