I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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