A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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