she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
