my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
