i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
