I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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