im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
