I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
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Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
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There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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