I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
