did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
time to smoke my breakfast
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
