New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
