It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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