dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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