I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
