i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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