My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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