i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
