did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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