You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
