Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
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I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
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She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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