I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
