Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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