All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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