I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
