I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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