her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
