does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
