Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
