i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
