Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
