You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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