Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
