oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
