I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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