What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
