I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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