and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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