Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
