Someone shit on the floor
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
try lime green
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
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Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
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The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea