I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just invented taco cereal.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...