fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?