I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
