if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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